An Unworthy Heiress

Sanctification

2008-03-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

Psalm 119
1 Blessed are those whose way is blameless,
who walk in the law of the LORD!
2Blessed are those who keep his testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
3who also do no wrong,
but walk in his ways!
4You have commanded your precepts
to be kept diligently.
5Oh that my ways may be steadfast
in keeping your statutes!
6Then I shall not be put to shame,
having my eyes fixed on all your commandments.
7I will praise you with an upright heart,
when I learn your righteous rules.
8I will keep your statutes;
do not utterly forsake me!

Father, to Your chest make me nestle--
To be Your blameless vessel.

To walk upright before You

I must long to do.

May I be steadfast and

To Your statutes may I clasp.

To Your Word may I cling,

As Your praises I must sing.

Bless'ed are You O Lord,

Your name, Your Word to be adored.

Even though the Lord is sovereign and good, it is not easy to nestle to His chest and trust Him. But it is right. To walk blamelessly isn't easy, but it is right. Additionally, we're given a promise with such obedience-- a blessing. And yet, it is not easy to obey. Being a Christian isn't easy. Sanctification hurts:

smoke billows over

smothering

every crevice

of this

dilapidated

temple.

needing repair,

yet

repairs hurt.

banging-

pounding-

pulling-

prying-

these temple walls

give

but never break

beneath the strength

The Craftsman.

May we endure the sanctification because we know that it honors the One who sanctifies when we become more like Him.

Mary Had a Little Lamb

2008-03-18T05:44:00.000-07:00

Upon request I am writing my singing testimony. You may be thinking to yourself, “What in the world is a singing testimony?!” Well, quite simply, it is how God worked in my life in the area of singing.

When I was younger, I enjoyed singing. I would participate whenever the occasion arose to do so. However, over time on multiple occasions my singing was harshly mocked. The words may not have been as harsh as their implications—“Please don’t sing when you’re around me.” “If you’re gonna sing like that it is better not to sing.” And so forth. I took to heart what was said and my singing was quickly silenced—for years. In church, I would only whisper the words to hymns and praise songs. Desiring to cry out to the Lord, all I could do (for the sake of others) was whisper words in a non-offensive, inaudible manner. In cars with friends, I remained silent as laugher and singing mixed when “favorite songs” came on. I was paralyzed by fear of ridicule. I cared so much what others thought. Overtime, these feelings grew rather than lessened. It got to the point where my heart beat wildly when I was with small groups of people, and they wanted to sing praises together. My pulse quickened when children asked me to lead them in a song. I simply wouldn’t do it. I felt I couldn’t. I would try to secretly practice, but this only bred further discouragement. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sing. Those who mocked me were right. They were saving me from disgrace by telling me such truths. Or so I thought.

God has a way of bringing us to where He wants so He can teach us. He also has a way of bringing people to us to teach us. In the early summer of 2004 God did this in way of a roommate who loved singing and majored in music. She walked around the house singing praises to the Lord, and I was secretly envious. I longed to be able to sing praises to the Lord! How was she so free to do so? It wasn’t very long until my roommate, Erin, noticed that I never sang. We’d sit together in chapel, and rather than sing, I would whisper. We would ride together, and I would never sing along, not even with my favorite songs. It was obvious. I didn’t sing. She asked me about it. I probably shrugged it off and gave a half-truth. But half-truths never sufficed for Erin. Eventually I told her the truth. I had a terrible singing voice, and I had been asked not to sing in the presence of others. Erin cried.

Later, Erin came to me again. This time she had “a great idea”. Her great idea was that she would help me with my singing. We could secretly practice—just me and her. This was anything but a great idea. To me, this was a terrifying idea. She explained to me something that she had explained to me numerous times. She said that nothing I did wrong or did well or said or didn’t do wrong or well would change how she felt about or acted towards me. She would simply love me as me. (On a side note, she was the first person to model a Christ-like love that I saw consistently evidenced.) I knew for certain that singing poorly would not change anything, nor would it bring mockery from her. She just wanted to help me to feel comfortable singing children’s songs and praises to our Lord. I agreed.

One day we were alone in the car for a looooooooong time. Well, actually, it wasn’t as long as it seemed. It seemed so long because that was the time we planned on practicing singing. Most of the ride was spent with me too nervous to even try. I felt so sick to my stomach. But I remember the first song that I actually sang along with her and eventually by myself—Mary had a little lamb. We also sang Jesus loves me. And you know what? She didn’t laugh. She just let me sing. It was freeing. She simply encouraged me. I soon began singing a little above a whisper in chapel. On occasion she would hear me and encourage me for doing so well. I began singing a little louder and a little louder. But I was still reluctant.

My reluctance soon met a force it couldn’t reckon with—blackmail. I was in India in January 2008. The girls in the Bible college there like to sit around together and sing songs. I would kind of sing along… not so loud, but not quite whispering. They weren’t satisfied with that. They said that if I didn’t sing loud enough for them to hear it, then on “Teacher’s Day” they would make me go on stage and sing a solo. And on “Teacher’s Day” there is no option but to do what they ask. So, I sang louder out of fear and coercion. I didn’t enjoy it, and yet I did it anyway…. Somehow, this progressed to me singing in their choir—not just English songs either!

Then I went to India for six months and while there I was again forced into singing. I had to join the choir. They got really tricky with this choir stuff. See, we had to sing parts. And on multiple occasions I was singing with just 2 other girls—like a trio. And we’d have places in the song where only we sang. Then even once, one girl got sick so it was just a duo. Many people in India heard me singing. And church member after church member came up to me and told me what a great voice I have! Even after singing a Hindi song, many commented on how accurate my pronunciation was. God used this to encourage me to continue persevering in singing.

I began spending hours singing alone in my room to various praise CDs. With abandon, I sang loudly and cheerfully. I knew that the girls could hear me from across the hall, but I sang anyway. Soon I began to practice singing with some of the girls. I would have “tutoring” sessions for singing. I began to let me guard down. I began to sing praises alone in my room to the Lord. One day I noticed that I was like Erin, washing dishes and singing, folding clothes and singing, just doing life and singing praises to the Lord. I was finally getting to do what I had longed to do. Praise be to God that He sets us free! I was in bondage to fear. But He loosed the chains, and for the first time in my life I sang freely and unhindered to my Jesus.

You can’t stop me anymore. In church I sing to the Lord in an audible voice. I lift my voice up to Him in praise.

I visited Erin a week ago, and in church she heard me singing. She smiled pleasantly, and later told me she was proud of me and that I could use this testimony to help others.

In short, it is amazing to be able to freely sing to my Savior. I thank Him that He has given me a voice—not the greatest voice ever, but it’s the one He created me with. May it always praise Him.

Thanks Erin, for not giving up on me. Thanks for not ridiculing me or mocking me. Thanks for encouraging me and for being an instrument in God’s hand. He has used you to change my life. I am forever grateful.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:3

An Unworthy Heiress

2008-03-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

...fellow heirs with Christ... (Romans 8:17)

This four word phrase absolutely baffles my mind! I cannot wrap my mind around it. I am a fellow heir with Christ. Every bit of the Father's inheritance that is Christ's is likewise mine. I am given the inconceivable privilege of sharing an immeasurable inheritance! While I was yet a sinner Christ died for me and now shares HIS inheritance with me. What a truly unworthy heiress am I! It is only because of Christ's imputed righteousness. How can I ever express the depth of that gratitude?! I was once dead, and He made me alive. Not only did He give me life, but He gave me His inheritance. May my life praise Him!

Burden of my neighbor's glory...

2008-03-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

"The load, or weight or burden of my neighbour's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken." CS Lewis

Since returning from India I have found myself to lack evangelistic fervor. I have grown more calloused and less concerned about the souls of those around me. If I love my friends, my family, my neighbor-- then I must share the truth of the life changing Gospel of Jesus the Christ. How dare I allow pride to come into my life and close my mouth to others because of it. It is my prayer to my Lord that He would renew in me an unquenchable passion for making Him known! May my life follow in accordance with my words spoken here.

That which is TRUE...

2008-03-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

Recently I began rereading Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George. Basically, it is a very detailed, practical exposition of Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. God has truly used and is using this book to renew my mind according to His Word. I am only a few chapters in, and I already find that I am filtering my thoughts according to Phil 4:8.
Naturally, she begins by talking about thinking on what is TRUE. This has been incredibly helpful this week. I am waiting on the results of two job interviews. It is easy for my mind to begin thinking on that which is NOT true-- Oh no, if I don't get one of these jobs, then what if I never get hired and what if I am stuck being a nanny forever. If these schools don't think I will make a good teacher, then why would any other school!" Okay, so you get the idea. Of course this line of thinking is NOT that which is true; it is that which is speculative and well, a bit ridiculous. When I begin to filter my thoughts according to what is true, then such thoughts get tossed aside.
It is my sincere prayer that God would continue to help me filter my thoughts. It is amazingly stupid the way in which we all damage and scar our minds with useless, vain, impractical, and sinful things.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2