Mary Had a Little Lamb

Upon request I am writing my singing testimony. You may be thinking to yourself, “What in the world is a singing testimony?!” Well, quite simply, it is how God worked in my life in the area of singing.

When I was younger, I enjoyed singing. I would participate whenever the occasion arose to do so. However, over time on multiple occasions my singing was harshly mocked. The words may not have been as harsh as their implications—“Please don’t sing when you’re around me.” “If you’re gonna sing like that it is better not to sing.” And so forth. I took to heart what was said and my singing was quickly silenced—for years. In church, I would only whisper the words to hymns and praise songs. Desiring to cry out to the Lord, all I could do (for the sake of others) was whisper words in a non-offensive, inaudible manner. In cars with friends, I remained silent as laugher and singing mixed when “favorite songs” came on. I was paralyzed by fear of ridicule. I cared so much what others thought. Overtime, these feelings grew rather than lessened. It got to the point where my heart beat wildly when I was with small groups of people, and they wanted to sing praises together. My pulse quickened when children asked me to lead them in a song. I simply wouldn’t do it. I felt I couldn’t. I would try to secretly practice, but this only bred further discouragement. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sing. Those who mocked me were right. They were saving me from disgrace by telling me such truths. Or so I thought.

God has a way of bringing us to where He wants so He can teach us. He also has a way of bringing people to us to teach us. In the early summer of 2004 God did this in way of a roommate who loved singing and majored in music. She walked around the house singing praises to the Lord, and I was secretly envious. I longed to be able to sing praises to the Lord! How was she so free to do so? It wasn’t very long until my roommate, Erin, noticed that I never sang. We’d sit together in chapel, and rather than sing, I would whisper. We would ride together, and I would never sing along, not even with my favorite songs. It was obvious. I didn’t sing. She asked me about it. I probably shrugged it off and gave a half-truth. But half-truths never sufficed for Erin. Eventually I told her the truth. I had a terrible singing voice, and I had been asked not to sing in the presence of others. Erin cried.

Later, Erin came to me again. This time she had “a great idea”. Her great idea was that she would help me with my singing. We could secretly practice—just me and her. This was anything but a great idea. To me, this was a terrifying idea. She explained to me something that she had explained to me numerous times. She said that nothing I did wrong or did well or said or didn’t do wrong or well would change how she felt about or acted towards me. She would simply love me as me. (On a side note, she was the first person to model a Christ-like love that I saw consistently evidenced.) I knew for certain that singing poorly would not change anything, nor would it bring mockery from her. She just wanted to help me to feel comfortable singing children’s songs and praises to our Lord. I agreed.

One day we were alone in the car for a looooooooong time. Well, actually, it wasn’t as long as it seemed. It seemed so long because that was the time we planned on practicing singing. Most of the ride was spent with me too nervous to even try. I felt so sick to my stomach. But I remember the first song that I actually sang along with her and eventually by myself—Mary had a little lamb. We also sang Jesus loves me. And you know what? She didn’t laugh. She just let me sing. It was freeing. She simply encouraged me. I soon began singing a little above a whisper in chapel. On occasion she would hear me and encourage me for doing so well. I began singing a little louder and a little louder. But I was still reluctant.

My reluctance soon met a force it couldn’t reckon with—blackmail. I was in India in January 2008. The girls in the Bible college there like to sit around together and sing songs. I would kind of sing along… not so loud, but not quite whispering. They weren’t satisfied with that. They said that if I didn’t sing loud enough for them to hear it, then on “Teacher’s Day” they would make me go on stage and sing a solo. And on “Teacher’s Day” there is no option but to do what they ask. So, I sang louder out of fear and coercion. I didn’t enjoy it, and yet I did it anyway…. Somehow, this progressed to me singing in their choir—not just English songs either!

Then I went to India for six months and while there I was again forced into singing. I had to join the choir. They got really tricky with this choir stuff. See, we had to sing parts. And on multiple occasions I was singing with just 2 other girls—like a trio. And we’d have places in the song where only we sang. Then even once, one girl got sick so it was just a duo. Many people in India heard me singing. And church member after church member came up to me and told me what a great voice I have! Even after singing a Hindi song, many commented on how accurate my pronunciation was. God used this to encourage me to continue persevering in singing.

I began spending hours singing alone in my room to various praise CDs. With abandon, I sang loudly and cheerfully. I knew that the girls could hear me from across the hall, but I sang anyway. Soon I began to practice singing with some of the girls. I would have “tutoring” sessions for singing. I began to let me guard down. I began to sing praises alone in my room to the Lord. One day I noticed that I was like Erin, washing dishes and singing, folding clothes and singing, just doing life and singing praises to the Lord. I was finally getting to do what I had longed to do. Praise be to God that He sets us free! I was in bondage to fear. But He loosed the chains, and for the first time in my life I sang freely and unhindered to my Jesus.

You can’t stop me anymore. In church I sing to the Lord in an audible voice. I lift my voice up to Him in praise.

I visited Erin a week ago, and in church she heard me singing. She smiled pleasantly, and later told me she was proud of me and that I could use this testimony to help others.

In short, it is amazing to be able to freely sing to my Savior. I thank Him that He has given me a voice—not the greatest voice ever, but it’s the one He created me with. May it always praise Him.

Thanks Erin, for not giving up on me. Thanks for not ridiculing me or mocking me. Thanks for encouraging me and for being an instrument in God’s hand. He has used you to change my life. I am forever grateful.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:3